life skills

High School and ADHD Meds: Our Story

The high school secretary and I had a special friendship. If Joe or I discovered that he had forgotten to take his Strattera, he could go to the office and she would give him the missed dose. Over several months, it became increasingly obvious that Joe wasn’t taking his meds, and it wasn’t because he forgot. He didn’t want to.

So why didn’t he want the medication? The bottom line was that they made him feel ‘weird’. We’d tried several types, combinations, dosages, and they would work for a while, but Joe felt that they all altered the way he felt. They altered his personality, his appetite, and he hated the whole hassle. Yes, we could have forced him to keep taking them. But we didn’t.

My husband and I discussed this at length, and realized that the moment that Joe left home, he was going to quit taking ADHD meds. At that point, although we did have a 504 in place, we were really leaning heavily on the medicine to help Joe focus.

For us – and that’s just for us – we decided that we would take him off the medication totally, and try to teach him to focus and pay attention and remember his homework and track shoes and bus stop without the help of anything else. Our rationale was that if he wasn’t going to continue to take medication, we were doing him a disservice by not teaching him to manage his symptoms in other ways.

As a side note, we had already gone through the same thing with Ron, but Ron’s ADHD symptoms weren’t so pronounced. And interestingly enough, Ron went back on medication in college. So did Mike, for that matter.

In any event, our last years in high school for all the boys were spent without the tool of medication. (And that’s when I finally wrote Focus, Pocus.) Is that right for you? Only you can decide.

Make up Your Mind Already!

Every kid does certain things well and other things, not so well. I used to think that decision-making just wasn’t Lesley’s thing.
Somewhere I had read that a parent should give choices where the decision’s outcome solely affected the child. Would you like orange juice or apple juice? Do you want your sandwich cut into triangles or rectangles?

Lesley never took these choices lightly. She pondered the benefits of pulp-free, calcium-fortified orange juice, and she finally concluded that sandwiches cut into triangles tasted better. As decisions became more complex, she thought harder and harder about pros and cons of each one.

Which book should she do her report on? What topic would be best for the upcoming research paper? Her decision-making process exhausted me. “What do you think?” she would ask.

“It’s entirely up to you, but let’s talk about it…”

It wasn’t until years later when I was chatting with Kayla that I came to realize that many children diagnosed with ADHD-inattentive have trouble making decisions.

An impulsive child doesn’t usually think about consequences – when he does, stopping to consider a logical sequence takes lots of time. If I do it this way, it means XYZ, but if I do it THAT way, it means ZYX. Then again I could…..etc., etc. Thoughts come fast and furious, and rather than organize or process those thoughts, the ADHD child may postpone the decision to another day. And then another….

Analysis paralysis. Getting stuck on reasoning without reaching a logical decision can be very common. A child who’s socially awkward may be afraid of making a mistake. What if everyone thinks I’m stupid for picking this activity? What if I offend someone by choosing the wrong thing?
Then what?

So how can you encourage your child to progress past analysis paralysis?

1. Pros and Cons. Every decision has positive and negatives. Ask your child to write them down and should the points be equally distributed, you may need to ask questions about which of the points mean more to your child.
2. Make it loud. For Kayla’s Joe, he processed out loud. He kept talking until the solution was obvious. He knew it when he heard it.
3. Give a deadline. Procrastination doesn’t help anyone, but it’s the ADHD child’s worst enemy. Teachers give deadlines, and that works well. Why not parents?
4. Give ownership. Allow your child to make the decision herself even if you don’t agree with it. It will affect him more than anyone else. Advise but don’t manipulate.
5. Brilliant conclusion. Whatever decision your child makes, accept it. Your confidence matters.

Decision-making is another life skill every adult depends on. While it may seem easier to make certain decisions yourself, that approach can handicap your child. Keep smiling, listening and encouraging. Before long, you’ll find that your reluctant decision maker will gain confidence and reach very logical conclusions more often than not.

Honing Life Skills

For a child who’s diagnosed with ADHD-inattentive, school is all consuming for the entire family. Evening life in a typical school week is a series of doing exactly what needs to be done for tomorrow. kids cooking

At times when the next test, regular homework and upcoming project comes close to overwhelming, it’s easy to overlook passing on certain life skills. In hindsight, I can say we did some things better than others, so I hope what we suffered through or merely survived can help you figure out what works at your house.

While household chores teach children a variety of life skills, I didn’t require chores for most of the school year due to the mad dash to get homework done. (I made this decision sometime during middle school years.)

For summer breaks, I would insist on their help with varying results. Since I was usually the one in charge of meals, I asked them to plan and prepare a meal. When one child was in charge of cooking, the other two would be in charge of cleaning the kitchen.

Their meal choices often depended heavily on convenience foods, but I decided dinner was dinner, and asking for healthier choices could escalate into a battle I didn’t want.

Now that two out of three children live in apartments at university, they actually ask for culinary advice and instruction. Despite their early cooking experiments with hot dogs and boxed macaroni and cheese, they prefer food closer to its original form today.

In response to their questions, I put together a few “go-to” recipes for them that they genuinely seem to appreciate. You might want to try How to Cook Everything, which teaches the basics about food, utensils, cooking, and so forth.

Boy Scouts for our son, Edison provided some good lessons in responsibility. One example is when each small group of 4 or 5 boys would plan their menus for a camping weekend, shop for what was needed and once on the trail, prepare and eat the food. At age 13, Edison’s menu for the weekend looked something like this: dry cereal, a few pieces of fruit, sandwiches and Cup O’ Noodles.

In other words – they leaned toward easy to prepare entrees that weren’t so filling once they were outdoors. The leaders, on the other hand, prepared their knapsacks well with meats and vegetables.

One new helper (a mom) felt pity for the boys who had consumed more than half of their food before they had reached the second day of the weekend. “Couldn’t we cut these steaks and share?”

One of the veteran leaders objected. “This is how they learn to prepare better the next time.”

Don’t think the leaders were cruel. They provided simpler fare (Beans? Rice?) to make sure the boys didn’t collapse from hunger, but rescuing them with a steak dinner teaches that someone else will bail you out if you don’t plan. That’s a dangerous value to reinforce.

The same philosophy carried over for packing as well. They had been given a list – and they knew what to pack. Should they choose not to pack what was called for, they suffered the consequences.

Letting a kid fail in small ways like these is a good lesson. After the camp-out, they come home to a dry bed and a good meal. Their discomfort is temporary – but hopefully sticks in their memory the next time they’re making preparations.

Sometimes a young adult with ADHD inattentive tendencies may not think through to the consequences of their decisions. Talking about or coaching them through certain ones can help them enormously.

We’re going to talk about some more life skills in an upcoming post. What are some of the things that you think are important? Share them below, or on our Facebook page.

Eventually, we’d like to compile a list. Hey – maybe that should be on the list: how to make a list. 🙂

What Are We Doing Today? Planning for the Long, Hot Summer

I’m usually optimistic at the beginning of summer vacation. I envision a time when we read To Kill a Mockingbird aloud, teach fractions by writing in the sand and purge all our closets of outgrown (or “so last year” clothing).

Then a few days pass, and I panic about how much the television has been on and how many rematches that the video championship tournament of the world has expanded to. I find myself wondering if learning new makeup techniques from Youtube is all that beneficial.

Somewhere between our most lofty goals and simply morphing into the sofa is a healthy balance for us all. The cardinal rule is: have fun. After all, it is summer vacation. As you ponder what your family considers fun, here are a few ideas to get you moving:

1. Picnics and parks. More than likely, you have parks within striking distance that your family has never explored. Your children may discover uncharted (at least for them!) jungle gyms, swings and slides. A cooler of sandwiches, cut up veggies, cold drinks and something fun or junky to eat can change your perspective and theirs.

2. Libraries. Don’t overlook this free source of entertainment. A new selection of books can entice the most reticent reader, and some local libraries introduce a themed summer program with prizes and activities to encourage reading. When Olivia was 5, our local library hosted a tea party where girls could dress up and bring their special doll.

3. Community college or university camps and workshops for children. When Edison was 9, he participated in a cartooning camp at the local community college for a nominal fee. Not only do he have fun putting together his own comic books for the class, he had material and ideas to keep him creating long after the class ended.

4. Lessons and learning for the fun of it. Sometimes your child is interested in an activity that’s not easily worked into a school schedule. To keep from being too tied down, you might try a series for a limited time rather than the whole summer. For example, we signed our children up for swimming lessons at the local Y.

5. Vacation Bible School. A daytime or evening series can provide positive instruction, activities and entertainment. One church in our area would host a week-long music camp each summer and present a performance at the end of the week.

6. Museums, Planetariums and Science Centers. Save this one for the muggiest, hottest days when an indoor, air-conditioned activity is welcome. Check their websites for special activities for children. A star of our local science center was “Old Yeller” a huge corn snake that the kids would get their pictures made with. Batman – the local bat expert – was also very popular.

7. Community events. Watch your local paper for free or next-to-free activities – concerts in the park, dive-in movies at your local pool, etc.

In pursuit of the best summer vacation ever, don’t forget to have fun. Laugh hard and dance under the stars. Give them a jar for catching lightning bugs. Let them work out who gets the window seat. After all, the days of summer won’t last forever.

What are your plans for the summer?!

Why Good Manners Matter to Your ADHD Teen

Learning to be polite and consider the needs of others shouldn’t be a hardship – even for a 14- year-old teen diagnosed with ADHD-inattentive. Your teen may not clamor to learn about manners any more than she clamors to memorize algebraic formulas, but she stands to greatly benefit from both types of knowledge.

As a parent, you may find that you often return to the role of the take-no-prisoners manners police: “Don’t talk with your mouth full….Take your baseball cap off…Hold the door open,” etc., etc.

The good news is that most teens behave better for someone else – anyone else – other than parents. The bad news is you probably see the worst of your teen’s behavior. (e.g. “Tell me you didn’t just drink milk straight out of the carton. We have an entire shelf of clean glasses, you know.”)

Knowing the right thing to do helps every teen, but especially an ADHD-inattentive teen who may impulsively act without considering consequences. Having a foundation of good manners not only makes him more pleasant to be around, it also puts your teen at ease in a host of unfamiliar situations.

Seizing a Teachable Moment

Realize that teens are very practical, and don’t wear yourself out answering the snide “Why” questions. When certain situations present themselves, you may have an excellent launching pad for a manners lesson.

A good case in point is when Kayla’s Mike was asked to serve as escort for his aunt during a family funeral. To Mike, the perk was riding alongside his aunt in the limo. To Kayla, the bigger perk was the opportunity to talk about how 15-year-old Mike could be the perfect gentleman. He eagerly practiced opening doors, helping a lady into a car, seating a lady in a chair or pew and walking with someone on his arm.

For some teens, the thought of a formal dance at school motivates them to learn a few rules of etiquette. If you have friends or family members who are getting married soon, count that as a glimmering teachable moment.

Which One’s My Bread Plate?

Fine dining can be intimidating, but you don’t have to spend a fortune at an expensive restaurant coaching good manners. A few families in our community pooled their talents and resources and hosted a formal dinner for teens. Parents pitched in with either cooking or serving as “wait staff.”

The teens had a chance to dress up, eat well, giggle and learn a few things along the way. For example, everyone knew the bread plate was found on the left of the place setting by dinnertime.

Dip Your Partner and Other Tales of Serendipity

When Edison was 16 years old, he was signed up for ballroom dancing at his high school because he failed to choose an elective that semester. His advisor chose for him. His dancing partner was a buddy who suffered the same fate because he too had failed to choose an elective. (They took turns leading.) Ultimately, the two reluctant dancers learned a lot, the most important thing being that it’s important to make your own choices by the deadline or you end up dancing to someone else’s tune.

Both boys may have been embarrassed when the class started, but afterwards, they were well-prepared for the spring prom.

Do Drop Us a Line and Do Tell

If you’re a parent of teens, you have stories to tell. Would you share in the comment section below? As parents, we have more in common than we realize – and stories that make us snicker, sigh in commiseration, applaud, or even laugh out loud are always welcome. Kayla and I love to hear from you.

PS You can also share on our Facebook page!

Growing Graciously: Manners and Your ADHD Child

Manners are frequently discussed when they’re ignored or forgotten – something ADHD children aren’t alone in doing. Your inattentive one may be more prone to forget, however…

When our family celebrated Olivia’s 6th birthday, her grandparents had traveled approximately 400 miles across three states to celebrate the day. The day stands out because the gift of clothing was not well-received.

Once the wrapping paper was happily ripped away, the opened gift box was greeted by tears and a few honest statements that were best forgotten.

While preventing a melt-down is always better than cleaning up after one, no parent can prevent every conceivable drama. The basic premise behind good manners is that others’ needs are considered before our own.

After our somewhat disastrous family get-together, I realized too late that a 6-year-old should be pre-advised before any gift-giving session. A quick talk that we always say thank you for a gift–even if it’s one we would never pick out-would’ve been beneficial.

After all, the gift giver spent time and money picking out the gift.

Here’s a general list of helpful manners for the 10 and under set:

1. Nice words matter. “Please” and “thank you” aren’t complicated, but smooth the way for any person to ask nicely and consequently receive favors.

2. After you, please. Allowing others to get out the door or off the elevator before rushing forward is a helpful and safe habit.

3. Know when to interrupt. If you allow a child to interrupt indiscriminately, you may wait another 10 years before you have a complete thought again. Knowing that the house is on fire or a similar emergency is a good reason for a child to interrupt. When your child tries (and she will), put your hand on her arm to let her know you’re not ignoring her. Finish what you were saying – and then turn to your child, “Thank you for waiting so nicely, dear. What do you need?”

4. Excuse me, please. When there’s an emergency and a child needs to interrupt, this is a great phrase. Also works nicely when a child bumps into someone or in crowded spots when he needs to pass by.

5. Out of sight. Teeth picking, nose picking, scratching – may all be necessary, but the rest of us shouldn’t have to watch.

6. A little help, please. A child can open doors for people. As she goes through a door, she can hold it for the next person. And saying thank you when someone holds a door open for your child quickly becomes a natural skill.

7. Gracious guest. At a party or even for play dates, there’s a grown up in charge who’s worked hard to make it pleasant. Teach your child to say “Thank you for having me” to that kind person.

8. Self-cleaning guest. A guest who cleans up after himself is welcome in any home or situation.

9. Mute negative opinions. Your mother probably said it this way: “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.” Good rule to be used for all of us when describing Aunt Bessie’s carrot salad or Uncle Fred’s new hair style.

10. Social graces 101: Encourage your child to speak politely to your friends. She should be able to respond to “how are you” and also ask the same question of the adult. Another valuable social skill is to say “thank you” to an adult’s compliment.

Do you have a success story – a great way that encouraged your child’s best manners? Or do you have a story when the best laid plans didn’t quite deliver? Kayla and I would love to hear from you.

If you have boys, this book is a great dinner companion. Read a chapter each night at your dinner table and at least they’ll know what to do…”Stand Up, Shake Hands, and Say “How Do You Do”: What Boys Need to Know about Today’s Manners“.