inattention

Why Good Manners Matter to Your ADHD Teen

Learning to be polite and consider the needs of others shouldn’t be a hardship – even for a 14- year-old teen diagnosed with ADHD-inattentive. Your teen may not clamor to learn about manners any more than she clamors to memorize algebraic formulas, but she stands to greatly benefit from both types of knowledge.

As a parent, you may find that you often return to the role of the take-no-prisoners manners police: “Don’t talk with your mouth full….Take your baseball cap off…Hold the door open,” etc., etc.

The good news is that most teens behave better for someone else – anyone else – other than parents. The bad news is you probably see the worst of your teen’s behavior. (e.g. “Tell me you didn’t just drink milk straight out of the carton. We have an entire shelf of clean glasses, you know.”)

Knowing the right thing to do helps every teen, but especially an ADHD-inattentive teen who may impulsively act without considering consequences. Having a foundation of good manners not only makes him more pleasant to be around, it also puts your teen at ease in a host of unfamiliar situations.

Seizing a Teachable Moment

Realize that teens are very practical, and don’t wear yourself out answering the snide “Why” questions. When certain situations present themselves, you may have an excellent launching pad for a manners lesson.

A good case in point is when Kayla’s Mike was asked to serve as escort for his aunt during a family funeral. To Mike, the perk was riding alongside his aunt in the limo. To Kayla, the bigger perk was the opportunity to talk about how 15-year-old Mike could be the perfect gentleman. He eagerly practiced opening doors, helping a lady into a car, seating a lady in a chair or pew and walking with someone on his arm.

For some teens, the thought of a formal dance at school motivates them to learn a few rules of etiquette. If you have friends or family members who are getting married soon, count that as a glimmering teachable moment.

Which One’s My Bread Plate?

Fine dining can be intimidating, but you don’t have to spend a fortune at an expensive restaurant coaching good manners. A few families in our community pooled their talents and resources and hosted a formal dinner for teens. Parents pitched in with either cooking or serving as “wait staff.”

The teens had a chance to dress up, eat well, giggle and learn a few things along the way. For example, everyone knew the bread plate was found on the left of the place setting by dinnertime.

Dip Your Partner and Other Tales of Serendipity

When Edison was 16 years old, he was signed up for ballroom dancing at his high school because he failed to choose an elective that semester. His advisor chose for him. His dancing partner was a buddy who suffered the same fate because he too had failed to choose an elective. (They took turns leading.) Ultimately, the two reluctant dancers learned a lot, the most important thing being that it’s important to make your own choices by the deadline or you end up dancing to someone else’s tune.

Both boys may have been embarrassed when the class started, but afterwards, they were well-prepared for the spring prom.

Do Drop Us a Line and Do Tell

If you’re a parent of teens, you have stories to tell. Would you share in the comment section below? As parents, we have more in common than we realize – and stories that make us snicker, sigh in commiseration, applaud, or even laugh out loud are always welcome. Kayla and I love to hear from you.

PS You can also share on our Facebook page!

Brock and Lesley

Like Kayla told you last week, I’m Brock Myers, and I’ll be writing a good bit for adhd-inattentive.com. I have a 14-year-old daughter who’s ADHD inattentive, and like you, I’ve gained a lot of valuable tips by reading Who Put the Ketchup in the Medicine Cabinet?

This newsletter has allowed me to learn so much from other parents! I love the new focus that Michelle shared on the blog when she started seeing “how ADHD is really a gift and not a deficit.” It’s so true for Lesley who’s the youngest in our family. (Her brother Edison is in his second year in university, and her sister Olivia is a senior in high school this fall.) Today, Lesley has strong organizational skills, a strength gained by overcoming her perceived weakness.

Overcoming procrastination and less than stellar study skills didn’t happen overnight. (I can still remember the day-after-the-test lament of “But I read it and read it!”) Before Lesley was diagnosed, 6th grade was truly a nightmare for our family. After the diagnosis, we started learning what would work best to help Lesley learn and feel successful. Some of the worst fall-out from ADHD is that the diagnosis can make your child feel stupid – and you know that’s an incredible misconception!

Like eating the proverbial elephant a bite at a time, Lesley reconditioned herself bit by bit. At school, there was “Learning Lab” – a focused study time when one teacher supervised a group of approximately a dozen students who used the time to reorganize binders, update school planners, study for a test or schedule the steps of the next big project. At home, her dad and I were also asking questions like: what does this mean on your planner? Is this work done? What’s the deadline for….Do you understand this concept…..etc. And trust me, the PAC-kit planner can truly help with the organization and the school/home connection.

And yes, for our family, prescription medicine to help Lesley focus made a big difference; however, I want to be clear: medicine wasn’t the only tool in our arsenal. Just as effective was the laborious, not-very-exciting chore of keeping the planner updated (with 2 different sets of people checking to be sure she did!)

Breaking down a huge project into manageable steps was another valuable skill that was practiced over and over. The first book report outline in 6th grade loomed over our heads like a nuclear mushroom-shaped cloud, ready to spread destruction. Somehow the second one only seemed like a minor battle in comparison, and by the end of the year, she was adept at starting her book report without one of us coaching her through the first few steps.

Lesley’s grades last year were the best they’ve ever been. At the mid-year point, when we went in for parent/teacher conferences, several of her teachers were surprised to find out that she had been diagnosed with ADHD-I. Over and over, she was labeled as an excellent student and a leader in the classroom. Her struggles are by no means over, but she’s learned a lot about what it takes to succeed and work with her particular learning style. Yes, what we saw as a weakness has become her strength.

Today, she’s learned that it’s a good idea to start working on Wednesday’s assignment on Monday – a habit that continues to work well for her. I’m not saying Lesley’s perfect. If you saw her room right now, you’d giggle at the thought of perceived organizational skills. I still like the big picture here: good grades, room that needs work. Life would be boring without goals, right?

Getting Rid of Clutter

So you’ve made a resolution, and this year you’re getting rid of clutter! You’re going to eliminate the clutter! ADHD kids crave order, even if they don’t act like it. If your home is in disarray, your children can’t focus. If you haven’t already, make it your New Year’s resolution to clear a path – and clear the clutter!

There are several great online products to help you de-clutter and organize your stuff.

One of my favorite resources is Fly Lady. She’ll nag via email, and help you organize your life step by step – with no charge – including getting rid of clutter!

Another unique approach to decluttering is The Ultimate Guide to Getting Rid of Clutter for Adults with ADD. It promises to get rid of your clutter once and for all with a simple, three-step process!

If you’re looking for a more immediate solution, try
Clear Your Clutter, Clear Your Mind. Personal Organization Made Easy. It gets you on a fast track – blitzing you to organization.

I really like DeClutter Fast – Get Your Home In Order!. It’s a quick read, and offers an ‘off the beaten path’ approach to de-cluttering.

One more resource that bears mentioning is Finally Organized Finally Free. It’s a long manual, full of rich ideas that are best used by the non-ADHD individual. Look over to the right side of the page for two other fabulous resources: Finally Organized, Finally Free for the Office, and the best way to keep up with your paperwork: Get Organized Now!™ Easy Organizer.

So – what are you waiting for? Time’s a wasting. Start getting rid of clutter now!

P.S. Find out how to organize an ADHD child!

A Homework Nightmare

Last week in the newsletter, I mentioned that all of our kids had come home for the weekend – Ron with college homework in tow. While he was taking a break, I read him an article I wrote back when he was in the tenth grade. Read, it, multiply it by four, and you’ll understand why I’m able to write stuff like Waking Up from the Homework Nightmare and Focus Pocus!

“Did you wash jeans? My Algebra assignments were in my pocket.”

Sure enough, crumpled up in the trash was a freshly laundered yellow sticky note, with penciled assignments too faded to read. So he pored through the Algebra II text, hoping for clues. No luck. My suggestions to call a friend were rebuffed, but finally, he gave in.

He asked if I had Ryan’s number, then went leafing through the phonebook to find it. He needed her dad’s name, which I supplied, but she wasn’t home. So he went through three more absentee friends. He even called his youth pastor for another friend’s number. Nothing. An hour had passed in vain. “Change subjects. Do something else.” His Physical Science assignment was on a piece of paper in his Geometry book, which he couldn’t find. I had seen it in the car, and sure enough, it was there, soaked through, lying in a puddle of water that had leaked from another brother’s water bottle. The assignment still wasn’t to be found.

An hour and a half are now lost. “Go clean your room. You can call your friends later tonight.” So he goes upstairs, only to be distracted by an errant yellow jacket. He comes back down, insisting he shouldn’t be upstairs cleaning. After I warn him that my sting is more lethal than that of any bee, he comes back to get a flyswatter, but wastes more minutes describing the insect to me.

After much banging about, the insect is dead. It’s not a yellow jacket, but a large hornet. He proudly shows the creature to me, then threatens his brothers with it. After talking to the bird (the one who can burp), he heads back upstairs to work. His room, to his credit, gets done.

But he doesn’t mention he has any homework besides the mystery assignments. Since I don’t know he has more to do, he somehow figures he doesn’t have to complete it until Sunday.

So, Sunday afternoon rolls around. I have a meeting at 2:30, so after church we go out to eat, then the rest of the family waits for me. Of course, the homework is left at home. After I remind him, and then insist, he calls his friends to get his assignments. His friends are still gone. (I’ll bet their homework was finished.)

At home, he finally makes contact with one friend, who gives him the Algebra homework. He also discovers that at some point he has lost his Geometry sheet, which is makeup for work he should have completed last week, and work he could have done on Saturday.

So I pore through his bookbag, and discover Latin papers wadded up in the History notebook, which is also full of Geometry notes. I’m overwhelmed by the disorganization. I discover a sheet that lists Tuesday as the due date for his Geometry notebook check, although he insists his teacher says it is due Thursday. I also go through all the drawers in his room. While he finishes his Algebra, I sort all his papers into subjects. I haven’t helped him all year, so I feel like I can help him in this without being an enabler.

It is now 11:30 pm on Sunday night. His Algebra is finished, almost. He has lost …..Oh, my gosh. I couldn’t have timed this better. As I am typing the above paragraph, he walks in. “Hey mom, you know that Geometry worksheet?” He doesn’t mention that it’s the one I just spent two hours looking for. “The reason I couldn’t find it was that it wasn’t a worksheet. It was a problem in the book. Can you come help me with it?”

So what do you think? Should I boil him in oil or feed him to the sharks?

PS If this story sounds WAY too familiar – sort of like a nightmare – then you need to read Waking Up from the Homework Nightmare. It’s our story of how the madness ended – and we woke up!

Five Focusing Hints – A Preview

Here are some of the helpful hints from Focus Pocus – 100 Ways to Help Your Child Pay Attention.

7. For multi-step tasks, have kids pair a task to a finger. If you want your son to pick up the bathroom, empty the trash, feed the dog, then sweep the front porch, have him ‘put’ one task on each of his fingers. Then have him count back to you – as he holds up the first finger, he says, “Pick up the bathroom.” On second finger, he should say, “Empty the trash.” This will help him remind himself, and ensure that he heard you in the first place.

13. Pick your fidgety child to be the ‘server’ at dinner. Give them the honored task of refilling drinks, grabbing the serving fork for the green beans, getting the ketchup from the medicine cabinet – er – refrigerator, mopping up spills, and serving dessert. This is a great time for your child to acquire some valuable life skills, too. Don’t forget to express your thanks.

32…..NOTE: The fight isn’t worth it. If you have to fight with your child to get dressed – dress them yourself. It takes 60 stressless seconds. (They’ll learn how to tie their shoes before college, and if not, they can wear flip flops!) We always fought over making beds. Consider using a sleeping bag instead of sheets – a trick still used by our two who have moved away. Or consider leaving their bed unmade – a trick our other two still do at home.

48. Ask for explanation. If you ask, “Do you understand?”, a child will almost always answer “Yes.” They may want to please you, they may think they understand, or they may just want to be done with homework, but they may not really grasp what they have learned. Instead of asking if you were understood, ask your child to explain the concept to you.

61. Take a picture of the assignment board. Most kids have cell phones, and many kids have camera phones. Get permission for kids to be able to take a picture of the assignment board. Or the teacher can take the picture and then email it, upload it a webpage, or even Tweet it to parents. This is a lot easier than trying to type in assignments on a teacher website.

73. Teach a child how to flow with a conversation. Your child abruptly changes the subject because she is not really listening to a dinner conversation. Stop her, and ask your daughter what was being said before she spoke. Chances are, she can tell you – she heard, but didn’t attend.
She must be taught to recognize that although she is talking, she isn’t participating in a conversation. Ask your daughter to make an appropriate following comment. Explain that it’s important to have a conversation – one person talks, then the other person answers, then another person until the subject is finished.
For example: Ron: Today at school, this kid threw up all over the floor in gym class.

Joe: I won the race in PE today.

Mom: Joe, what did Ron just say?

Joe: Ummm. (Looks to the ceiling to recall.) Some kid threw up in gym.

Mom: What’s the next sentence in that conversation?

Joe: Could you see what he ate for breakfast?

Welcome to my life!

PS Don’t miss the special offer of getting Focus Pocus with a bonus copy of Waking Up from the Homework Nightmare! (This offer is now expired, although you can now get both books at a reduced price.)

Focus Pocus – 100 Ways to Help Your Child Pay Attention

Children with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder all have one thing in common – the inability to sustain and focus attention. But every child – ADHD or not – occasionally has problems staying on task and avoiding distraction.

As parents and teachers – we try to conjure up ways to help them focus. As if they were magical spells, we say such things as, “Listen!” “Pay attention!” “Stop daydreaming!” “Think!” “FOCUS!”

But the spells rarely work. To complicate things, once we find a trick that works, the magic wears off, and the clock strikes twelve. As a result, we are constantly looking for new hints, new strategies, and new ways to charm kids through that next session of homework or that next hour of math.

I’ve been there over and over again with my boys, my students, some of my friends, and even myself. With all of our attempts at alchemy, we did find a few things that worked.

“Focus Pocus” lists one hundred of our very best hints on how to help kids pay attention. They’ll help parents, they’ll help teachers, and most of all, they’ll help our kids.

Of course, none of the hints are really magical. None of them will work all the time. But chances are you’ll find at least one that will help you with the challenge you’re facing today. Tomorrow I’ll post some of the hints from Focus Pocus – 100 Ways to Help Your Child Pay Attention. You can read them all by getting your guide today!

PS Don’t miss the special offer of getting Focus Pocus with a bonus copy of Waking Up from the Homework Nightmare!